Endings

I wasn’t really in the mood to write tonight.  I just sat down to check email.  And then, just a few words from a friend triggered a reflective, sentimental, and peaceful feeling in me.  And of all things, that feeling is about endings.

It’s the start of back-to- school time around here and that is a beginning.  New beginnings, or even repetitive beginnings, can trigger those butterflies in the tummy, those sweaty palms, and the uncertain anxiety.  After that initial response, however, beginnings are generally regarded as good stress.  It’s how we move forward, how we grow.  Beginnings leave us with a positive image and connotation.  I think of new friends, new challenges, new opportunities, of firsts with my loving hubby and my kids, of all the places I would have never been without a beginning.

Tonight’s email was from a friend facing an ending.  A loved one is in hospice care and will not be with us on this earth much longer.  And aware of that, they struggle.  They struggle with how to balance the joy of a long, fruitful life with the reality of the infant this man is now.  The face the cold, hard job of taking care of someone that by nature, and position as father and grandfather and his other roles, was here to take care of them.

And I grieve for them.  For their upcoming loss, for the difficulty involved in watching it, for the logistics of trying to be many places at once, for the hesitation we all feel in knowing what to say or do or how to talk about this all.  I share my thoughts and prayers as support for them, as they support each other and complete the basic challenge of getting through another day like this and another, and another…And then enters guilt!  Just because we humans get tired and stressed and exhausted from the struggle – it doesn’t mean we wish that loved one wasn’t here.  No God, please don’t misunderstand – that’s not what we meant at all.  In an eyes-half-open moment while changing an adult’s diaper at 3 am and seeing him in pain – our reluctance wasn’t a wish for it to be over!  It’s just human nature.  The most fundamental and basic of human feelings and emotions – and a reminder that the only way to survive times such as these are by the Grace of God.

I have fortunately lost very few people that I had a close relationship with.  But fortunately (oddly enough I mean that), my work has put me in a place to have many experiences with death and dying.  I’ve come to find a beauty in it – a rhythm, or a peace if you will.  I’ve had the privilege of sitting vigil with families in the midst of saying good bye.  I really do mean privilege.  They’ve shared their most private, most difficult, and most hurtful moments with me, as a nurse, as a caregiver.  My position brought me into those situations.  The connection I felt in my heart has left me with a huge respect for endings and for assisting people, as I am able, to experience that ending in the most helpful and most healthy way possible.

I’ve watched cancer kids rejoice that one more vacation was accomplished before the disease took over – or a graduation, or the start of kindergarten.  I’ve seen families start to process their time with their children as a GIFT – a gift of all the days and hours they’ve had – instead of having life stolen from them.  I’ve wrapped up babies who’s little hearts have stopped beating and let mommies and daddies hold them until they can feel their goodbye are complete enough to make the next step.  I’ve been present when we tell parents a baby so young, born so early,  just couldn’t survive, and we are amazed it survived those first 48 hours – and it must have been because he knew what wonderful parents he had.  I can still hear a deep, strong voice reading the Bible to his 24 week gestation son in his last hours.  We all drew strength from that voice – especially the baby.  His vital signs changed when his Daddy read to him, and hung on a little longer while they had that time together.

On a personal note, those experiences like the ones above, prepared me for a couple of my own.  I’ve talked to a Youth Group on the night of the death of one of their own, about how we will still celebrate graduation – and Adam’s life – and how we will celebrate those last great moments with him and for him as we move ahead and keep him alive in us.  And, most preciously, I’ve bent down and kissed my grandmother while she took her last breaths.  As I kissed her, and hugged her, I told her that I owed so much of what I had become to her and the wonderful, beautiful things she had taught me to do and to be.  I put my tiny baby son up next to her and let him lay in the hospital bed with her.  I had watched my daughters just hours before bring her a photo for Mother’s Day and sing a song they had learned at preschool for her.  She told them she loved them, and they, having the honor of knowing their Mamaw Jackson, told her and loved her also.  She was buried with that photo.

I will never say I enjoy the experience of death – but I cannot say that I fear it.  I revel in it’s beauty and in the peace that comes after we fully love and fully engage ourselves and fully connect.  And in that most primitive of connections, we, God’s people, share also the ending, with help and strength from Him and through those he has placed with us.

The Funk is Out – the Funk is On!

My blog stats and my recent posts reflect the chaos of my life.  I’m just getting little blibs in between the life treadmill I seem to be on.  But it is happy chaos, the chaos of positive change, of better times, of getting rid of the Funk! 

For those of you that read or have read regularly, you know about my recent depression, termed by some of my loyal readers as “the Funk.”  You’ve encouraged me, joined me, commiserated with me, and rejoiced with me as I’ve gone through these recent months of de-funking.  (Note:  you must be very careful when typing that word many times 🙂 

I am now proud to say that FUNK is out the door and we are now moving and grooving and getting our own new Funk on as we adjust to job and schedule changes.  It’s fast.  It’s furious.  And we Houks are rising to the challenge.  When I can sit down to think and type more at the same time, I’ll share the color-coded schedule, the flexible Houkhouse helper we’ve hired, and the crazy way we’ve managed Steve’s new 1.5  hour commute or Out of Town (whichever you choose to call it) training schedule for his new job along with my nightshift work.  Add to that about 4 Pampered Chef shows, some Stampin up workshops, upcoming Medieval Day and volunteering at school, teaching some community classes, transporting for cheerleading clinic/try-outs, upcoming May Fest,  on-call at the birthing center, plus everyday life as an almost single-parent for the next month or so… and what you’ve got is a modern day miracle that the card house hasn’t fallen.  Talk about bringing you out of a depression.  Who has time for depression? 

My energy to keep going is fueled by some even better f-words: faith, family, and friends.

My faith had to get bitterly honest as we struggled to make ends meet and hubby looked so hard for a job.  As I’ve proven many times before, I had to get so broken to really be able to give control over to God.  I’m not good at just handing it.  I just have to become so tired and worn and almost mad that I finally just function so little that I’m giving control over by doing nothing.  Really nothing.  Sitting in a depressed funk.  Finally telling God I’m not sure he’s reallyl listening and it’s getting just a tad hard to have the faith I’d like to have.  Honest prayer.  Hard, hard words to say out loud.  Lots of tears.  Then, when I’ve really released my death grip on the control, God swoops in(or really he doesn’t have to swoop, he’s was there all along) and takes the reins.  Some may say my doubt was faith diminishing.  I will argue any day that it’s these kinds of experiences that are faith building.  God has once again taken care of us in so many ways, and so much more than we can imagine or deserve.  You better believe I’ve got faith.  I’m going to try just keeping the grip on the faith, and not so much on the control.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Friends, including you online pals, have prayed for us, loved us, supported us, and made sure the Houk ship didn’t sink.  Through that friend network, Steve ended up with too many jobs at one point (how refreshing), and we ended up with what we’ve called the “Houkhouse Helper” to get us through working nights, early mornings, out of town trips, and the whole she-bang.  The good news is I never had to look far.  It’s kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz – it was there all the time.  We’ve found that when you really love and are really loved back and have a fundamental value that believes God’s people must help take care of each other, the possibilities are endless. 

My family is my saving grace.  This family we have created is the heart of the issue.  It’s the core of what we do here on earth.  It’s the number one priority and goal and all the rest has to cascade down from there.  And preferrably, cascade down in a nice order with good attitudes and a do-able schedule, remembering all the while that God has given us the great big job of taking care of these wonderful creatures he let us give birth to and maintaining and nurturing the blessing and charge he gave us called a marriage.  Big, big jobs.  Important enough to keep the trash cans and vacuuming looking small and the overall mission looking large.  That’s the way it should be. 

My family has held me up most by doing nothing special other than sharing our lives together.  Some of my favorite recent memories are ones I want to share: 

• Brady wet the bed last night.  I didn’t even feel like screaming.  He actually was sleeping with Keely and he wet on her.  Oops.  Even she didn’t scream too loud or too long.  When they got up at 3:30 am, I was just excited to see them.  In a time of rushed schedules, I was thankful for a minute or two to see those little faces and be able to help.  Everyone got cleaned, kept warm, and we climbed into a new bed to snuggle.  Brady didn’t want to share me, but he settled for super-gluing himself to me, nose to nose, until he went back to sleep.  I managed to sneak a hand out and Kee fell asleep holding my hand. 
• Mar’s trying out for cheerleader.  She’s growing up, and growing beautiful right before my eyes.  While practicing tonight, two goofy little boys thought they would take their shirts off and then practice, too.  Throw in the dog and you’ve got a three-ring circus in the front yard.  The neighbors loved it.  I laughed and smiled a lot.
• “Mommy, you ‘da best Mommy in the worwld.”  All that for fixing grilled cheeses and a visit to the public library.  Ahh, greatness.
• Two little boys together= ridiculous silliness.  Uncontrollable giggling, about nothing.  Just try being grumpy. 
• Brady asked me to dance and the song was “Fergilicious” (I think).  He didn’t want to just groove a little.  He wanted me down by him, holding on to each other.  I complied and showed some of my best moves.  It turned into a family dance party.  Mar was embarrassed, Keely impressed, and the boys – just silly snakes as always.  For the record, this Momma can still dance – even though her 12 year old might beg to differ.

And many, many more reminders of how lucky and blessed we truly are.  More to do now and more to share later. 

Overwhelming Support and Other Natural Anti-Depressants

Wow friends, thanks for the insight, the ideas, and the support you all offered through those comments to my last post.   My wheels have been starting to turn very slowly, and writing that post was as therapeutic as it gets.   I started typing comments to address what I learned and gained from your comments and I found I  had too much to say, so I decided to just go ahead and post my rambling thoughts here.   I’ve inserted some of the comments I’m responding to. 

I love the way you all related in such a personal way. like this:

 “You know, I was doing okay until I got to the bottom of your post but when I read “Hubby … It must be hard to have your biggest fan be such a pain in the butt sometimes. I have un-dying faith in you …-.” That’s when the tears came! UGH! I can so relate to that statement. I know that I’m a pain in the butt to my husband sometimes (maybe a lot of the time?!?!) and we’ve been through some very bad times but just like you said, I love him so much and wouldn’t trade my life with him and my kids for anything”

 Well, we are in good company, because I cried writing the post, and it started a nice long cry that makes you need an eye-makeup artist by the next morning.  That’s okay.  It was good.   It was needed.  Hubby read it and it helped him understand me.  I must agree with momlovesbeingathome who wrote that comment.  Admitting that weakness when I need to support him the most was a really difficult piece of that post.  That is when I really lost it – when I realized I just wasn’t capable of being the support I wished I was. 

Joni – thanks for sharing those ideas about functioning. 

 “I would have days where I’d literally wake up and negotiate myself out of bed. I’d think, “ok, in the next 60 seconds, all I have to do is put my feet on the floor. For the next 60 seconds, all I have to do is get up and go to the bathroom.” And step by step I could get going.”

Those very specific examples made me relate to an even more difficult time and brought back some more memories and tears – but healthy ones.  Those thoughts initiated a conversation between Steve and I and both of us remembering, “we’ve been through worse”. 

I appreciate all the prayers and hopefulness tremendously. In all your individual ways, you offered love, camaraderie, support, personal insight, inspiration, even a compliment or two, and concrete ideas.  I love it – thanks. 

 “Writing is a great start, getting out and breathing some fresh air. Wake up in the morning and create your day, visulaize what you want to happen. Find someone else in a funk and cheer them up, can’t stay in a funk when you have to cheer someone else up”— tobeme

“I too am going through a rough time as well, a lot of things you wrote hit close to home for me. I just pray that soon I can see a sunny sky! I will be praying for you as well!” — lifelemons

“As always, you have provided me with great clairity and inspiration. Perhaps you can find comfort and support knowing how much you always inspire and help me. I dedicated my post today to you.” — onehappymom

For those of you that are currently in a “funk” like the one I’m giving it my all to get out of, or those of you that are facing life challenges as well, gosh, I appreciate you being so open.  I love this blog thing and now we do have a group that can help hold each other up.  There’s strength in numbers and I’ll think of and pray for you as you have so generously offered to do for me.

“Things often look bleek. But remember TOMOROW is another day.  ”         — turtlesbirds

” Here is to your husband getting the right job at the right time – the job he is meant to have – and to you being able to turn the corner on this funk.”      — mamadoggylove

And, dragonmommie – I am certainly nursing myself tonight as you suggested.

” I do not try to deny it is happening. I plan the time for myself to be depressed, if that makes any sense. I will spend a weekend or a few days at the most to nurse myself… when I can feel sorry for myself. I think we need that time to step back from life”

 I’m going to get out of the house and play a little bunco with other females.  You are so, so right that we have to take time out.  If not, the time in becomes much less effective. 

And, one last thought regarding Joni‘s words about raw prayer: 

” This sounds trite but prayer helps me. But it has to be raw genuine thoughts. Not the shoulda’s. You know the kind “God I’m scared we won’t be provided for but I know I should be grateful…” When I come clean to God in prayer, my ability to trust him grows. Don’t know how that works. I’ve actually said I didn’t trust that he would provide even though I’ve seen it before. And then asked for more faith or a glimpse of what He’s planning for peace of mind. “

WOW – that was deep and so painfully truthful.  I’ve kept my “Suzy Sunshine” act up, even with my prayer.  Not last night — after reading your post, I realized I haven’t even allowed myself to go to those raw, even ugly thoughts with God.  But it is soooo cleansing to admit that.  To say, “God, I’m trying to believe and have faith here and so far there’s nothing!  ”  Being that honest – woah.  I went to sleep with those kinds of prayers last night and I have to tell you, I woke up with a brighter outlook.  Today was a new today, and tomorrow is another brand new one, too. 

Peace, love, blessings, gratitude, and the strength to hold up through working it all out to you all.

Hi God, whatcha doin’?

When we are young, we take our beginning foundations of religion from our parents.  And as we grow, we test and question and search and begin the long process of formulating our religion, our spirituality, and our own faith.  As an adult, we can look back and remember that process and visualize some of our steps along the way, but otherwise, it becomes somewhat far removed.  And then, some little person helps you remember.  They let you in on their faith journey and by watching and experiencing it with them, your remember your own and you see your new responsibility in helping them in this awesome task of forming their individual faith.  Woah.  And we thought potty training was hard. 

Harper is in the very active stages of forming his first beginnings of an individual relationship with God and starting to understand faith.  “Tell me about God,” he says, as if he’s asking me to read him a story.  He doesn’t seem to tire of it.  He wants to know more, more, more.  And he asks questions about all the hard stuff, therefore challenging Steve and I to explain. 

“How did God make us?”

“Why did God make mean people?”

“Where is God, can I see him?”

You might think you have a good grip on Bible stories and religious teachings, until you try to put them on a 5 year old level.

“How do we know God is here if we can’t see him?”

Many have suggested that kids need to come with instruction manuals.  That’s a great idea.  I’d like for there to be a section, or perhaps an entirely separate book on religious teaching instructions, including how to mold wonderful children of God into faithful, Christian followers.  I just know it would stay on the best seller list.  But there’s not an instruction manual.  And the Bible doesn’t have a kid question/adult answer section.  So there we are, relying on our own faith to take over and show through and praying silently for the right words to come out of our mouths. 

Harper does best if it is in story form.  We’ve found some cute kids’ versions of Bibles, and hero books, and prayers.  I think, if I understand his explanations correctly, God to him right now is like his favorite super hero.  I think that works for him. It’s pretty darn close to true, at least in the 5 year old realm of reality. 

And since Harper has taken this storybook approach, he’s developed a more personal relationship with God than I expected.  His prayers are more of a conversation. He just chats with God.  He’s developed a comfort level and closeness that many adults strive for.  His grasp of “pray without ceasing” is impressive.  He just talks to God anytime he wants, includes him in his life, makes him a part of what’s going on.  His faith in formation is an incredible example for the rest of us.  It encourages us, no more like forces us, to examine our own relationships with God.

In true Harper form, here’s an example of his prayers from the last few bedtimes.  Brady’s followed suit and his prayers are the total example of pure childhood innocence and wonder.  I’ve put some of them together here.

Harper:

Hi, God,whatcha doin’?

I had a good day today at school.  I miss Mommy, but I didn’t cry.  Teacher tell me I did good job on my papers.  I read Mommy my papers and watch kid shows and she rub my feet. 

I had so good p-nut butter and jelly to eat, with pretzels, and a gogurt.  I no like carrots.  ‘Member that time, mommy made me try it and I get sick?

I build a tent with Brady and we play spies.  Brady doesn’t share – he kicked me in the tummy. 

One more day of school and then two days at home.  We do lots of fun stuff.  I want to go back to Disneyworld.

Thank you for my family and Murphy dog and Bubba the binnie big (guinea pig). 

A-men

Brady:

Sank (thank) you for my sand’ich, my fries, my ketchup, my napkin, my water, and my plate.

I brush my teeth and put on jammies. 

Sank you for Mommy and Daddy and Harper and Marlee and Mommy and Keely and Daddy and Harper and Mommy and Murphy and Marlee and all my samily.

I go back to Disney World and I ride Goofy Rides and Buzz Lightyear. 

I have fun at school today and I not cry. 

Aaaaaa-meeeen

And that’s called really sharing your life with God.