Giving Him a Break

After yesterday’s post, which picked on my husband and his gross habit, I feel it’s only appropriate to give him a bit of a break today.  He’s wonderful, you know, just human like the rest of us.  And what a good sport…I did have his permission for that post before publishing it.  One of my blogging buddies (see Arms Wide Open on the blogroll), sent me this YouTube video that really explains a lot and let’s me know I’m not alone in my struggle. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovSXMoeVWHY

And now, putting that behind us, I want to make very clear that I am an extremely happy married woman who is still madly in love 19 years after meeting Steve and 15 years after marrying him.  Better or worse, richer or poorer (poorer right now), sickness and health (we’ve been there) — all that stuff is really true.  I named this blog Dying Arts as a tribute to many of the finest arts in everyday life that are in danger of extinction if we don’t fight for them.  Quality customer service; real patient-focused caring nurses; the gift of hospitality; creative, hands-on parenting; open, honest, and vulnerable communication; and, perhaps most importantly, the art, institution, and gift of marriage. 

Steve has been my best friend almost since the day I met him.  I believe God picked him out just for me.  And he and I are both committed to the absolute, never-ending, difficult, and daily work of sustaining a marriage.  We believe in communicating, in compromising, in stretching, and in working to make love last – not just waiting for it to “happen.”  Moments like that rarely “just happen”, and if they do, they are fleeting.  The real magic comes from working to keep a marriage and create those moments of magic.  Participating in them instead of just being present for them is an art.  Marriage is not a spectator sport and there’s no room on the bench.  Every spouse is an essential player – for the duration.  Marriage, along with parenting, are the hardest and yet most rewarding jobs out there. 

And so now, perhaps you should know some of the great things about my Steve.  We talk – all the time about anything and everything.  He’s my biggest fan, and I his.  He knows when to be my cheerleader and when to hit me with some constructive feedback.  We’re silly – most of the time and can make each other laugh like no other humans on this planet.  We keep our childhood playfulness about us and don’t really have to grow up in that regard.  Our apologies are sincere and sometimes creative (see My Favorite Apology).  We make efforts to fight fair.  God is the head of our household and our lives.  We have been very fortunate to receive many blessings from him and we promised to God and ourselves to keep him in this marriage.  We are currently broke, but also promised never to let money come between us (at least not for the long term – everybody has spats).  Our loyalty and allegiance as a family is to this family – and while we love the families from which we came, we had to leave them and make this one our top priority.

That’s a bit of rambling about our philosophy on the relationship of husband and wife.  This is how the wonderfulness of it plays out on a daily basis:

I came home from working nightshift this morning to find a little note taped to the door.  It basically said that we were alone in the house and that I had the “spa treatment” awaiting me.  He had taken Brady to pre-school early and the other 3 were already off to school.  I’ve had lots of lower back and hip pain since the kiddos and have had physical therapy, seen the chiropracter, still do exercises, and in general, am just prone to a lot of achy muscles and joints.  A massage is a real treat for me – or sometimes if I’m in real pain, not so much a treat, but needed agony to relieve some of those knots.  Knowing we don’t have the funds for such a treat right now, Steve’s creative caring improvised.  My bed had fresh sheets, there was warmed lotion, and the room darkened.  And although never trained at it, after all these years, Steve is pretty darn good at working those pains out.  It was such a treat after a night at work.  And, for those of you who automatically assumed this was a sex story, think again.  It was truly non-selfish on his part.  He made it clear it was all about me.  Absolutely no hanky-panky required, requested, or attempted.  I fell asleep during my massage and he covered me up and let me sleep until kindergarten pick-up, at which time he took me and my number two man (Harper) out for an affordable little lunch on our budget.  There may be plenty of folks whose husbands buy them diamonds, or take them on expensive vacations and the like, but I truly had to ask myself today:  Does it get any better than this?  I am very, very rich in the things that matter and a very lucky woman. 

In my post “Truth Hurts” I talked about a friend’s tragedy.  That event caused Steve to think about marriage and life and how fragile they both could be.  He was reflecting on all the folks we know who haven’t made it and on how marriage is, to many, a dying art.  On that day, my husband, who really does write beautiful love letters, sent this to me: 

k,

you need to know this day how much you’re loved.

this day especially when those dear to us take matters into their own hands.

you need to know this day how much you’re loved.

despite those who take their wedding vows lightly.

you need to know this day how much you’r loved.

while some look for ways to hurt each other purposefully.

you need to know this day how much you’re loved.

though some would rather make a withdrawal than a deposit.

you need to know this day how much you’re loved,

some deciding to simply throw in the towel.

you need to know this day how much you’re loved,

when it’s easier to just simply think of yourself.

 

thank you for hearing me, thank you for listening to me, thank you for supporting me, thank you for encouraging me,  thank you for reminding me to smell the roses along the way of our great journey together.

 

we are told that children are blessings from God.  they are not ours, but His, entrusted in our care.  likewise, you are my wife picked personally by God to be my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate.  to quote my pal, jack nicholson, “you make me want to be a better man.”

 

and for that, k, all i can say this day and for all the days to come is how much you’re loved.

 

s

So, yes, marriage is one of the finest arts and greatest gifts that I highly recommend, as long as you don’t mind hard work and the rewards that come with it.