My Favorite Apology

It’s an absolute fact that healthy, stable married couples will fight from time to time.  As I understand, it’s part of the being healthy.  It means there’s enough care, concern, and love to have real issues that cause friction.  I am proud to say my marriage is very healthy, certainly by the fighting standards.   

Steve and I have different argumentation styles.  We practice different tactics and strategies to “hit the other where it hurts.”  We know all this because he’s a Speech Communication major and when he was finishing his degree, we agreed to have a real disagreement in an open forum for his whole class to analyze.  Wow, and did they.  I would have done anything to get him through school and and even more to get him an “A”.   In the end, however, it probably would have been easier if he’d ask me to sleep with one of his professors.  It’s very eye-opening and has quite a sting to hear a group pick apart every detail of what you said and then try to couple that with your underlying feelings and motives.  I learned that although Steve has the temper, I tend to use more “underhanded” techniques to try to come out on top.  Ouch!  Do I really do that?  Okay, I might…but after all, no temper – I ‘m not hot-headed.  Steve has shared with me over the years that those cutting one liners I throw in there are the ones that a.) really hurt him  b.)  send his temper through the roof.  Apparently, my technique in Speech Comm terms is called “hitting below the belt.”  It makes me sound like a Dragon Lady.   

In the end, the class’ little learning session did greatly increase our awareness and our sensitivity toward each other.  We make a real effort to avoid those things that hurt the most and try to keep everything on a fair, calm, level playing field – theoretically.  But then there’s those days that we’re tired and frustrated and just one child too many has yelled just one too many times at the wrong pitch and the trash still hasn’t been taken out and our nerves just can’t handle anymore.  That’s where the little learning session becomes dangerous – because now that we know what really gets the other, all we have to do is just reach down into our little tool belt and pull those really ugly, but really-effective-at–making-your-point techniques out and blast the other.  It’s like being a super hero and not using your powers until you need them urgently.  Except super heroes usually do good deeds.  I guess this is more like being the villain.  

On a typical week at our house, the simple schedule of getting everyone to the correct place and reasonably on time will wear any human down.  Add to this sleep-deprived, and we’ve already been primed to not play in the most sportsmanlike manner.  I woke up in the afternoon (night shifter) to find that NO progress had been made on the laundry, dishes, trash, and assorted other household chores.  I initiated a “discussion” about this with hubby and I hit a nerve.  I made an extremely conscious focused effort to not play dirty, and I could tell that he was as well.  It was a rather calm chat.  We always try to view the situation from the other’s perspective and I could tell we were each practicing this principle.  And then, as if it were just some automatic reflex, Steve’s temper showed it’s ugly face.  Later, I was told that it was the difference between me saying I felt like he wasn’t doing his part to me stating he wasn’t doing his part.  Perception versus fact.  When it seemed to him that I had made it a fact – he lost it!  It wasn’t meant to be slinging insults or hitting below the belt on my part, but it was pretty accurate.  He hadn’t done his part!  I’m sticking to my guns on that one.  And later, when it was all over, he had to share that he really agreed with me and that made him even more furious.  It was a “truth hurts” scenario.  So, he screamed at me a little and condescended to me about it was a shame everyone couldn’t be a superbitch like me and then showed me a finger that wasn’t his ring finger and put it much closer to my face than I liked and then had the nerve to storm off!  That walking off thing really grates me!  It’s as if you can just walk away from the problem and the life that continues to go on whether or not you hide.  I followed and then lost my cool as well.  I cry when I lose my cool, always.  Through big tears, I tell him to get out of my face and that I will play single parent the rest of the evening while he attempts to get his act together.  I throw in that I’ll play single parent forever if he keeps this up.  And then he retreats to our bedroom.   A moment of disclaimer:  we make a very concerted effort to not do this in front of the children and generally succeed at that.  We have also both agreed to not play “Good cop, Bad cop.”  So, I simply told the kids that Daddy needed some alone time.  The kids and I had a fine dinner together and it took my mind off the drama Steve and I had created.  I signed all the homework papers and did the bedtime routine and managed tuck-in.  The boys are snuggle bunnies and require all the accoutrements to go to sleep.  We give in.  Routine is story and snuggling in Mom and Dad’s bed.  We move them later.  It’s just easier.  I decided that I wasn’t interrupting their routine just because Steve was being a butt and hiding out.  We marched into the bedroom and they were excited to see Daddy and gave him the big tackle hug and  hit on him (like males do for some reason) and said good-night to him.  I assumed he would then leave, since he was angry at me.  He didn’t.  He snuggled up in the bed on the other side of the boys.  I had avoided even looking his direction, but I glanced his way in surprise for just a second.  His mean face was gone.  He was wearing a sweet, gentle look.  I wasn’t really touched.  “Whatever!”  was pretty much my main thought.   

I read two dinosaur books to the boys and then Brady, age 3, read one to me.  Strangely, that book was about elephants the second time around, but points for trying.  Then we looked at one of my favorite Anne Geddes books together for awhile.  It was one Steve had purchased for me on a little vacation he and I had taken.  Great, why did I have to have some sentimental, sweet book up here tonight?  Anyway, the boys are hooked on my favorite page where all the babies are dressed up like worms, so we looked at that for a minute and then it was time for lights out.  Brady had sort of a rough day at preschool – he had scratched a friend for no apparent reason.  His day got rougher when he came home and Mom put him through the torture of clipping those claws he had used.  Judging from the screams, that might have been punishment enough.  Regardless, he was now tired.  Nighttime prayers were said by Harper and then it was goodnight time.   

Out of the quiet, though, still snuggling Harper next to him, Steve speaks.   “Boys, I need to ask you for some advice. “  Long pause.  “ Have you ever hurt someone you cared about?” Brady immediately tells the story again about how he scratched Joey today.    “And what do we do when we hurt someone ?”  asks Daddy.    “You say you sorry” says Harper.  “I say sorry to Joey” states Brady.  He still thinks we are reviewing his earlier incident. “It’s important to say you’re sorry.  What else can we do?”  Daddy continues on.   I can see where this is going and I’m started to feel kind of touched, a bit tender about the whole thing.  I don’t really want to feel that way, but it’s headed there.  

 “How do we show someone we are sorry?  What kinds of things can we do?”    He’s leading a real discussion now and the boys are chatting away with him.  He talks about words and actions and that we can’t take them back.  Wow.    “C’mon boys, name something else we can do..” I’m playing along now.  Why not?  This is pretty good stuff.  I whisper into Brady’s ear “flowers – tell Daddy flowers.”  Hee hee. Steve is still talking.  “What about a kiss?  Can we show someone we are sorry with a kiss?”    Brady blurts out “Flowers!”  and Steve loses it now in a silly way, cracking up.  Then, Steve gets up and comes around to my side of the bed.  He takes my hand and talks first to the boys.   “Listen up boys.  Pay close attention.  You’ll have to do this many, many times in your life, so you best learn now.”    Then, he turns his attention to me.  “I am very sorry.  I lost my temper.  Please forgive me.”  He then kisses my hand, then my lips.    Brady, in a jealous rage, tries to push Steve’s face away and now Steve and Brady’s faces are both on my lips.  Another time for crack up.  We get to end on a silly note and continue to snuggle.   

Saying you’re sorry is very important.  We both make sure we can do it.  Over the years, we’ve come up with some creative ways.  This one was my personal favorite.     Almost 15 years and counting…