I have a friend in real crisis. It’s the kind of rock-your-world crisis that leaves you numb just so the fear, anger, depression, and reality don’t just kill you. While the rest of us were dealing with picking up kids and what to fix for dinner today, she was facing head on the effects of alcoholism. More accurately, she was facing the effects of alcoholism that she and her husband have tried desperately to deny.
Their last counselor told them flat out at their first session that alcohol had no place in their marriage. He was firm and told them that if they didn’t believe it that they really needed a new counselor, as they would be wasting his time and their money. I appreciated that he told it like it was. They did too, for awhile. They stopped seeing him in the fall. They had a major slip-up in the summer that started off with a few drinks. Once they shared this with him, he identified that maybe they are people who think the rules don’t apply to them. They push every limit and boundary they set, just to prove that they can. As of late, they were out to prove they could successfully be social drinkers.
This time, someone almost died trying to prove it.
This is a soul-sister kind of friend. She and I developed a relationship that was deeper and stronger than most years ago. We’ve used that bond as foundation in holding each other up and we’ve needed it. Life hurts from time to time and life is hard most all of the time. Our daily decisions lead to circumstances that control our healthiness and happiness. As an optimist, I see that statement as empowering. We have the ability to make choices and change our situations. If you don’t like the choices you’ve made, simply make new choices and change your whole set of circumstances. It’s much simpler than it sounds. I’ve found that most people don’t find it uplifting. Most people spend more time reflecting on the wrong decisions and refuse to see the solutions available to them with new choices. That’s how many, many people every day stay and live where it hurts. Where it’s miserable and dysfunctional and where momentary events, fun, and circumstances all serve to cover up and hide the ugly truth beneath it. It’s the epitome of denial. Glossing over the surface adds to the injury. The broken foundation below erodes. It becomes excoriated, yet the surface continues to look fine. Its a hurt that hides and worsens and that can’t even be seen. And then, when some crisis actually pops a hole in the top layer, the built up hurt and resentment and untruths and guilt all come rushing out. It’s overpowering. It’s how many, many people live on a day to day basis.
This friend has not experienced many healthy relationships in her life. They’ve all been based on control and conditional love. I set out to be a friend to her in the most fundamental sense first, and then on deeper levels. I love her. I tell her that — often. That part doesn’t change if she doesn’t see things my way. I don’t take it away if she doesn’t follow my advice. I don’t judge her worth. And, if she stumbles in her own walks and quests, I continue to love her. My role is to support her through life, come what may. Seeing as how she had never had that kind of friendship, we spent a long time building that foundation.
One of the other really big promises I made to her is to be honest. To not be the kind of friend that tries to make everything look okie-dokie or that blows sunshine at her. I agreed to tell her, in love, when some of those basic decisions in her life were cutting off the circulation to her and her family’s health. I think she’s grown to appreciate it, even when it stings. I know she’s grown to understand my love. Even when I don’t agree with her decisions, I still love her. It’s been a huge learning process for her. She’s used to trying to make other people happy. I don’t want her making anyone happy, certainly not me. My hope for her is that she makes choices that make her family more healthy. Happiness is just a plus and it’s a poorly understood plus. Happiness has generally come to mean “whatever feels good at the moment.” It’s important to look very far beyond happiness straight into healthy Real, true happiness follows that in a much more long-term way.
We set these rules up on our friendship and have endured many crises together. We’ve been together through just basic survival, like how to get all the kids fed and in bed, when your life is falling apart. And, we’ve been together through events that are such major wake-up calls they make us question all our decisions prior to now. Finding strength from each other in all those times is equally important. It’s a real, solid, “I care deeply about what happens to you” friendship.
Today, I’m very unhappy with myself. I chose an easy road and it led me to act differently than the friend I said I would be. My friend told me she and her husband quit drinking. This was while in counseling and she told me they agreed to flat out stop. They had realized they couldn’t even have the occasional margarita with the chips and salsa. She really felt like the big drinking problem was her husband’s, but she agreed to stop too. I was proud of them and relieved. I praised and supported her and rejoiced with her. I vowed to never drink in front of or with them. I stopped fixing margaritas in their company and opted for an alcohol free punch. I played the role of good friend for awhile and then I let her down.
I chose not to ask about the alcohol. I chose to believe that is was possible for them to just give it up like this and so I chose not to face reality. In my mind, I will say that it’s because I just really believed that they had done it. But in my heart, I will know that I didn’t actually want to know the answer. I had no desire to hear her rationalize. I didn’t want to hear her explain to me again about how much less they were drinking and that they had really proven they could have the one drink and not end up in crisis. I saw the cups in her hand at social events and I didn’t ask what was in them. Who was in denial here? I think I just didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to invest the energy in holding her accountable. I chose to bury my head in the sand and I became the superficial friend that listens to her tell me everything is just peachy and says “great” and goes on her merry way. I chose to be the convenient friend, not the real one.
And then yesterday reality hits hard, with a big slap on the face. Someone is almost dead. Someone is fighting for their life. Alcohol is a killer. Denial is the accomplice.
And tonight, after covering survival mode with her – making sure all the kids were okay and dinner was provided and other such logistics – I had to come clean. I’m mad at her for drinking. I’m mad at her for drinking with him and allowing him to believe he could. I’m mad at her for taking it lightly, for lying to me about stopping, and for being a part of this crisis that could both literally and figuratively kill her family.
And I’m just as mad at me. I mad at me for not being the friend I promised. For not asking what was in the cup and “what the Hell are you doing?” I’m mad at me for not reminding her why she wasn’t drinking in the first place. I chickened out and I let her down and I had to tell her that. We had to go back to our basic agreement as true friends. I had to remind her that even if she told me she was going to walk around with a stiff drink in her hand 24-7, I would still love her. I would worry about her and I would not be able to support that decision and in good conscience I would keep telling her to re-consider and reminding her of the risks, but I would continue to love her.
We reaffirmed our agreement tonight. Friendship on this level has the seriousness of marriage vows. She knows where I’m coming from at this moment and she knows that my future role might not be pretty. She knows I’m holding her accountable for these decisions. And, she knows I will do this because I love her and her beautiful family.
It’s up to me now to carry this out. I’m not responsible for her and her decisions, but I’m responsible for being a tough love friend. I’m taking my commitment to this very seriously. I’m approaching it all with reality even though the truth can and will and does hurt. I have to. It’s my duty as a friend and it’s an urgent priority. I promise to try to be the voice of reality before the reality is that the alcohol kills someone and destroys a family in the process.
Dying Arts 