Such a long time coming. Desire to write is always present, time to do it – rare. Tonight’s Motivation: tears. Feeling things that need to be written down and things that are the kind of stuff that should be shared. Things that are part of the fabric of life in the sense that they make we humans contemplate our similarities much more than our differences. Feeling connected.
In honor and memory of my lovely mother in law’s birthday and her beautiful smile and sweet, loving spirit. In seeing that smile in my kids and my husband and knowing she is looking down so proud. We will always love you, Joycie.
From both exhaustion and exhilaration of a 3 day Championship Swim Meet here in Knoxville and watching my 4 lil (okay, some big) fishies swim and leave it all in the pool! The culmination and success of an exciting, hot and sweaty, challenging swim season with some of the best families in the world and the pride of my children’s achievements.
For a precious friend who’s youngest son has Cystic Fibrosis and the manner in which they fight that evil disease. And for the reminder she gave me when I confessed about the disarray of my house and the needed home repairs. She said, “but is your family happy?” What an important and incredible reminder about what really matters. And how fortunate do I feel? Everytime I think about my babies and her baby and a chronic illness and the grace with which they are fighting it…tears do so come to my eyes. They are “Andrew’s Army” and they have shirts to proclaim it. I am blessed to know her and the whole family.
From the difficult task of teaching children to be good teammates and show sportsmanship when they are personally crushed. Seeing my lil 7 year old, Brady, tell me he should have been in that relay, with big tears in his eyes, but yet rising to the challenge and cheering for his friends in a competition he was not chosen to be a part of. Learning. We all are all the time.
Having a teenage daughter that likes to talk and share with us. And of being able to share with her openly about priorities and life and decisions. And being able to tell her and remember at the same time how conflicted I was when she was a baby and I was a working mother. Remembering her asking me to “put on you jammies” so that she knew I was going to bed instead of going to work my night shift nursing job. Learning about those decisions first-hand. Remembering trying to get my feel for how to be a good mommy and working so hard at it. Relishing that if she and I are having this discussion and talking and crying together, something somewhere went very right. I love you, Marlee. My first baby girl that started all this craziness…
Crying as I reassure my husband who recalls a job several years ago that he “failed” at. NO. He did not fail. He supported his beautiful family and provided us income and insurance so that, I, could take some precious time with our children. He most certainly did not fail. Maybe by the company standard of how many cars he sold. But never by my standards of always putting us first.
Tears when I think about ownership and what that word means and how I want to own my actions and my mistakes. Of thinking about what that means in friendships and families and that any relationship of value requires work.
And certainly a very important realization is that these tears are essential and valuable in keeping me human and in touch and thankful to be right where God has lead me. In this very spot, right now, crying these tears.